by James Wainwright-Jans
Email: jameswainwright@consultant.com
Today, according to Surveys carried out both in America, Europe and the UK we are informed that a much higher number of adult children stay or return home to live with their parents some of the reasons for this trend gaining popularity and momentum are thought to be that it will bring better financial stability and added security to young people who in many cases may feel very apprehensive about their future and making their own way into self dependency.
In today’s climate where the property ladder has had several of its lower rungs removed by recessions, lower wages and property prices that have risen quicker and at a much higher rate than average national wages it is now accepted knowledge that in to order to gain access to the property ladder young adults will need to borrow 5 times their combined wages whereas twenty years ago this was a more achievable level of 3 times their combined wages, so is it any wonder that more than one in three young adults live with their parents, where the meals are hot, the fridge is well stocked and the rent is free.
Although one should not necessarily accept the total accuracy of statistical figures it is worth noting that it has been recorded that in America almost 25 million adult children are living with their parents (1) and a recent survey in Canada showed that 44% of young adults between the ages of 20 and 29 were also living with their parents. In the UK, Government studies have revealed that an increasing number of young men and women are becoming “children for life”, the proportion of men in their 20’s living at home has risen from 59% to 80% in the last 15 years while the number of women has risen from 41% to 50% (2)
The impact of such a situation must have a tremendous affect on the household budget, furthermore in a home where there are still younger children then it will no doubt have a strong negative influence on those younger children who may well feel that they are not getting their parent’s full attention since part of that attention is still being divided with the more grown up children, it is also plausible that these younger children harbour some resentment towards their adult siblings for being there instead of running their own life in their own homes.
Further surveys indicate that such arrangements produce 10% more arguments in these homes than if the young adult children were not present (3) it is also very confusing for the parents as they cannot remove the fact that these young adults are still their children even though they are no longer behaving as children
We may also consider the fact that the parents of today’s young adults are much more “easy going” than their forefathers were, many parents are quite happy, initially, to have their adult children stay with them after leaving school as it retains the “whole family” atmosphere a while longer and at first this has a feel good factor due to the preservation of the family unit, also many of today’s parents may well be reluctant to let their children know that they are struggling in order to maintain the higher standard of living we all now take so much for granted, some of these parents may not want to appear unable to manage their finances and in turn tend not to make financial demands on the adult children who remain under their roof, even when these young adults are in full time employment.
The transition from School to work is particularly important and the risk of becoming homeless also has consequence of high stress factor in young adults as they face a possibility of engaging in risk taking behaviour. Youth poverty in the UK amongst
20-24 years old was found to be 20.3% and in the 25-29 years old was still as high as 14.3% (3). Even so some young adults still make the break, but those who are predisposed to return usually do so within a short time span. Some will leave and return several times before they reach the age of 30.
Communication, or the lack of it, is very likely a major cause in the break down of harmonious relationship in the home which can lead to resentment and since it is quite easy for the parents and the young adults to loose their communicative perspective with each other, then the generation gap will seem to widen, a perfect example of this is the
musical differences which often appears to distance parents from their children and vice versa. Music appreciation and tastes can become the very catalyst to trigger major stress which may very easily turn to anger and eventually induce the risk of violence. Once stress has been released by this difference in appreciation it will continue since neither the parents nor the young adults will be able or willing to review their musical tastes.
It follows that once we are stressed our body immediately reacts, and as humans we have developed a “ flight or fight” response to stressful or threatening situations which in the home makes us react that either we stand our ground and “argue it out” or put on our coat and run out the door neither of which can be satisfactory. Leaving the home and heading for the pub, cinema or just walking aimlessly will not help to resolve the problems as sooner or later one must return to deal with and overcome this harmful process, although staying may worsen the problem since these arguments could escalade to violence and injury.
The stress factor associated with this new lifestyle in the home can over time become extreme in certain cases, the reason being that it is no longer possible for the parents to treat their grown up children as if they were still adolescents. The young adults may start off by ignoring any reasonable requests made by the parents and may soon become unmanageable, some even bordering on “bullying tactics” and in extreme cases they may resort to violence and abuse towards one or even both parents.
For most it may seem as if there is no cure for this major stressful situation other than by forcing the issue and taking whatever drastic measure is necessary to change their circumstances, for those who cannot bring themselves to literally “throw their children out” the situation could well result in having those parents totally relinquishing any form of authority in the home, some will seek to avoid confrontation by spending more and more time at work, reluctant to face the fact that they will eventually have to make their way home and face the beings who have reversed the tables on them.
The high level of stress in these homes gains momentum and is not exclusive to the parents either, the young adults are very likely frustrated because they may feel that they are inadequate, some of them are unable or unwilling to support themselves, they may lack the confidence and self assurance that Society expects from them, this could more than likely lead them into an aggressive attitude in the home and also when they venture out in society.
Another contributory factor to the stress in these homes may be due to one of the parents having in later years remarried thus introducing a step parent which is likely to exasperate the young adults who may well reject this intrusion by a complete stranger.
Whilst the recession has affected people everywhere and of all ages it has been particularly hard on young adults many of whom are now unemployed and their numbers are now greater than ever before since statistics began, added to that more and more young adults remain in Education where enrolments have soared to an all time high which may explain why fewer young adults are living by themselves.
Hard times is now a major reason why young adults are putting their life on hold, many are not only returning home but postponing marriage thus causing further stress factor due to being unable to enter into what is our basic human desire of marrying and having a family. If we consider that about 70% of grown up children who still live with their parents are under 30 and only about half are in full time or part time work, with a quarter being unemployed and the remainder being full time students (4) then the situation becomes much more understandable.
In order to deal with the difficulties which have arisen some parents have taken matters into their own hands and attempted to impose “house rules” some will go even further by putting in place a “contract” for grown up children living at home, nevertheless whether or not these measures work they will without doubt bring about more stress into the family life.
Taking all of this into consideration there are still a great number of children who can and will make their own way into the world, but what of those who do and then fall back on the “parental safety net” and return home, these young adults who are sometimes termed “boomerang kids” may well produce an even greater danger of discord since they have evolved somewhat further then those who never left and such a development will render them less manoeuvrable due to having tasted the fruit of independence.
Likewise it would be illogical and irresponsible to state that all households where young adults cohabitate with their parents are in a state of excessive stress, it is probable though not currently well documented that more than half are living in a reasonably close harmony within a peaceful and well organised family environment. If we consider the evolution of family life to its present state we may find that under normal circumstances when two adult beings decide to commit themselves to a relationship together, it stands to reason that in most cases they will proceed in the direction of having children and forming a family, further indications are that once this process has been implemented and are within the bounds of their financial status these two adults will by natural instinct, love and protect the children they bring into this world.
As time goes by and the children become adults, in most cases and with a few exceptions these growing children will regard their home as a safe haven, so is it any wonder so many of them wish to remain within this secure environment, these may be indications that it is by far easier to live with ones blood relatives than it is to adapt to strangers or even friends. The problem psychologically, is that as children grow up they become people in their own right and can no longer be treated as children by anyone and that includes their own parents and as the children grow older and so do the parents whilst depending on upbringing, socially developed attitudes and genetic characteristics the protecting and looking after roles may become more and more reversed as time goes by.
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Firstly it is important for the parents and their adult children to acknowledge that there is an unacceptably high level of stress in their lives, if that does not happen then there is a strong possibility that one or more family member will become ill or even very ill the longer this situation is allowed to fester, loss of sleep and concentration may be the initial signs, headaches and rapid heartbeat may follow, eventually a whole array of unpleasant symptoms will develop and if not dealt with these will lead to more serious physical and mental disorders and those concerned may well ignore the fact that it is happening to them.
More than likely the parents will be the ones who will come to realise that professional help may be required to overturn their predicament, however there is initially a great deal they can do for themselves before seeking professional advice (firstly and quite simply they need to find a space in the home that they can retreat to in order to initiate the first steps of a Stress Management programme, Passive Progressive Muscular Relaxation (5) and visualisation is probably the easiest and most effective initial “Stress Buster” self help exercise which can be carried out by most people without fuss or drawing attention to oneself during the period of relaxation.)
Self help may not be the answer in many cases, but where financial status permits a decision would need to be taken both by the parents and the young adults to attend a weekly Stress Management Group programme, by attending such a programme they will have taken a giant step towards rectifying their problematic lives, firstly they will meet people who are also overtaken by stress some of whom may be in the exact same predicament as themselves, such group sessions will have the added therapeutic benefit of committing the family.
Week by week, starting with the Passive Progressive Muscular Relaxation Exercise they will begin to feel a sense of “help is at hand” which will bring a solution to their problem.
The programme is designed to help their further commitment by taking home with them and carrying out a daily routine of logs and exercises. By session two the family will be introduced to Muscular Tension and Relaxation Training through the Active Progressive Muscular Exercise, this will bring into force a calming effect on the long term stress which has been part of their lives for what may seem an eternity, by introducing the
Physiological, meditative and hypnotic approaches to their combined problems.
The third session will concentrate on the family’s breathing pattern, an important factor which they probably have been totally unaware of, the fact is, faulty breathing is very common and often mostly ignored as a remedy for stress and other physiological disorders such as hypertension (5). The exercise in relaxed breathing will further enhance the family’s progress towards long term management of their stressful lives.
By session four they will be introduced to CBT, this therapeutic exercise could be regarded as the turning point through which the family will examine and face the seriousness of the position that excessive stress has placed them in. CBT has the effect of making a person look into themselves, opening their minds to the reasons which brought about their deeply rooted problems and prompt them to make a commitment to rectify the way they feel about themselves and those around them. In particular the Beckian Questionaire will reveal a side of themselves which they may well have chosen to ignore, both the parents and the young adults will benefit greatly from this session as it is difficult to side step the revealing factors it casts upon oneself.
Session five will serve to further enhance their breathing pattern by introducing deep abdominal and square breathing, helping the family to becoming calmer and more relaxed whilst reducing the unnecessary activation of the “ fight or flight syndrome”.
As they continue with the repairing process of the therapy the next session will train them in Autogenic awareness, this is a relaxation exercise involving auto-suggestion such as
“ my arm is heavy, my legs are heavy etc, the concentration on this exercise serves to further relax and calm the person concerned.
By the time they have reached Session Seven the parents and young adults may well have reached the stage whereby they no longer regard each other as “ enemies” the positive thinking will have had a marked effect on their relationship, new habits will have developed and they will have a clearer more positive picture of their future together, by anchoring positive thoughts and feelings into their new lifestyles which will be consolidated in their last Session on the eighth week, in their final step of self help they will become aware of the need to change their lifestyle to compliment each other, parents to young adults and vice versa.
A first and often a worthwhile step following this therapy is to introduce a programme into the family life whereby they will commit to sit and eat meals together or better still
meal preparation and participation from everyone concerned will introduce a sense of togetherness which will add long term benefit to their new improved relationship.
It should be stated that not everyone will be in a financial position to avail themselves with this Group Therapy in Stress Management Training there are here two possibilities, one is that the family concerned purchase a Stress Management Training Course and follow its guidance in their own home, though the possibilities of failure will be greater as this would require a great deal of self discipline in a household already under enormous pressure. The other possibility would be that a Government aware that its people are in need of considerable help and assistance due to escalading stressful lives, could be persuaded and would be willing to consider state help via Grants for the purchase of a Stress Management Training Course to those people most in need, which could be assessed by the GP’s within the NHS.
TO CONCLUDE: It is noticeable that there is a lack of information relating to this particular predicament, reports on the subject are few and far between and at best dealt with by means of well meant, but not necessarily factual newspaper reports as well as by biased internet communicational websites that seem to treat the problem with either a cynical or amusing view. It is hoped that eventually Commissions will be set up to examine statistically gathered information and formulate more accurate reports based on facts rather than fiction. In the meantime Society needs to deal with this current phenomenon as best as it can, by recognising its implications and possible catastrophic results if left unchecked.
(1) Pew Research Centre
(2) Dailymail.co.uk/femail/article
(3) ONS figures, published 08/12/2009
(4) Lacovou et al, 2007
(5) The Stress Consultancy, Management Distance Training Course
Copyright: James Wainwright-Jans 2011.